Tuesday, April 12, 2005

Passion Lost, Passion Found

Right from my childhood...
I swore when I started blogging, that I would never begin a blog with those four words. The main intention behind blogging was to have a healthier look at life. To do that we all know, one should live in the present and enjoy every moment. And for that one should not live in the past nor should one live for the future. The latter I never do, but sometimes I experience moments when past jumps before me as I walk along, say CMH road, and says 'gotcha'. One of the biggest achievements in the last two years, that is the years I spent in the real world is that I am able to dodge very well when I get the vague sight of the past at a distance in the lane of thought. Not that I had a bad past, but then I have so much passion for my life that I get disappointed when ever I feel I am not living it to the full, and most of my childhood was spent staring into the idle space, hence there was some regret; but then the last two years have shown me so many good things that my school days had, that I started feeling good about it. If you are wondering why I started my blog with those four words, I am obviously digressing.

Take two,
Right from my childhood, I was always interested in maths and science. One reason was that I was always one of the best in my class in Maths and physics (chemistry and biology were never really my cup of tea, neither were the Indian languages, I was somehow very good at English). The second reason was that I did not have many other interesting things in life. (Looks like the first paragraph, which I termed digression, is turning out to be very relevant.) I guess my liking for math does not deserve to be called Passion but I really liked it. There was this subject computers for one year in school, which I was the uncrowned prince of. Used to get nearly 76 when the class average was 30 or so. Along the side lines, I was always a nature lover, but in those days I did not realize that, and took my closeness to nature for granted, its only after coming to nammooru bengalooru that I knew how much it matters to me.

Moving on,
like every good boy from Andhra, I too studied for Engineering and got to a Regional Engineering College (now National Institute of Technology). It is here were I had unlimited access to computers. I was running at the double the speed of my class mates in learning C++. I really really used to like writing programs. Yes, that was a passion. All problems in live solved; I am going to be a highly paid computer engineer and have that ideal life where you both earn a lot and enjoy your work.

The twist in the story.
I got a back paper in Basic Electronics Laboratory exam. I had to choose, if I wanted to be a software guy neglecting my major or put my primary duty, electronics, first. I opted for the later (one of those better decisions in life). In my third year, I virtually did all of my B.Tech. I liked digital signal processing very much. It was also a passion, and like a sensible guy who changes his aim in life when ever he finds a new passion, I too did. I am going to be a dsp engineer, my ideal future got 'idealer'.

Scene change. After two years. Enter reality.
I became a software engineer in a DSP company, though not exactly a dsp engineer; I did not mind this because as you can observe, it was a weighted average of my first and second loves. After that, in a nut shell, I got bored with coding and the indispensable debugging. I should have been warned when I first heard these lines of the greatest inventor of all time, Thomas Alwa Edison. "Genius is one percent inspiration and ninetynine percent perspiration". I do not know about genius, but the entire industry is like that.

One fine weekday night.
In a bus on a Bangalore road, I discovered what was bothering me. The discovery being a modest one, there was not the necessity for the apple to fall on my head. But I was as happy as Newton probably was. The discovery was that I had no passion in life. Yes, my passions for dsp and coding both were dead by then. No one would want a passion to die, so let us say, they became dormant. Then I came across dance. In another nut shell ( I hope all these nut shells do not cause indigestion to you, dear reader), it is the best thing that has happened to me in my life. I started feeling happy. Just before joining dance classes, I was in one of my lows in life, when nothing goes the way you plan, not career, not your future plans, not your job, not your house hunt, oh not even your bike.

Climax, back to the present.
After being happy for a long time, you get used to it. By now I am used to being happy, I feel really glad when I sit and recollect how much dancing has enhanced my life. I have started counting numbers in counts of eight, like it is done in Music. Now as I walk, I suddenly do a step or two. I also find better about my work. Somethings change, somethings do not. My hatred for Bangalore's traffic remained the same. Fate also helped in all this. I have different plans now. My future is giving my love for coding and dsp a second chance, will they take that is to be seen. I hope they do, because no one likes to loose a passion.

Everybody wants to have the 'idealest' future, don't they?

P.S : This blog served its purpose, I thought my love for my work is dead, but now I am hopeful.